Healing the Father Wound & Childhood / Family Scapegoat Abuse: My Story Growing Up with a Narcissistic & Psychopathic Father

Scroll down for 11 helpful resources if parts of my story resonate with you.

It's funny how life can change so much, even from just one month to the next. If you had asked me at the beginning of June, if I was ever going to publicly share my childhood and adolescent story of growing up with my mentally sick father, who had all personality disorders of the dark triad (narcissism, psychopathy and machiavellianism), I would have said no way! That was one chapter of life that I never wanted to revisit and certainly not publicly.

 

However, the extraordinary levels of deep healing and new found awarenesses I have been experiencing, particularly since going on a journey to Costa Rica for plant medicine (4 nights with ayahuasca back in March), have made me realize... the only way out is through. Things that could be stuffed down, repressed and disassociated (for the last 24 years) were beckoning to be heard. 

 

This time, my inner adolescent and teenager wanted to be heard and she said to me, if you won't validate me, who will? 

 

The thing is, I have always believed her, but I never thought I was "allowed" to speak up about events. I felt I had to carry the family secret like it was my burden alone.

Pictured is me at 6 years old on the left, and 16 years old in the middle (right at the time I was removed by police) and 17 years old on the right (now living with my foster family)

Family scapegoat abuse and narcissistic family systems



In part 1, I share my personal experience growing up between the ages of 4-11, inside a dysfunctional + narcissistic family system, where I took on the assigned role of family scapegoat & invisible child. I take the listeners on a detailed journey of the actual formative experiences that shaped my model of the world and implanted unconscious belief systems and core wounds of "not being enough" leading to childhood anorexia and many broken bones, and "being worthless/needs don't matter" leading to self-abandonment behaviours (in a bid to get love) perpetuating into adult life. This showed up as being the caretaker in codependent relationships.

 

Listen to part 1 here

In part 2/2, I share the shocking, formative events that took place from ages 12-16, while living with my father, that ultimately led to a core wound of 'betrayal and abandonment" imprinting the father wound and how things escalated to the point of police removing me from my childhood home and placing me with a foster family until I got my first apartment at just 17 years old. 

 

I share details of the physical, psychological and emotional abuse, extreme medical neglect as well as the sexual shaming and humiliation tactics.

You'll learn how childhood/adolescent trauma, that was too big for me to process, was dealt with through my vice of alcohol addiction, that grew as I became older, until I found the courage to get sober and face what had been stuffed away long, long ago.

 

By the end of the 2 part series, you will understand what family scapegoat abuse is (FSA), how it binds the dysfunctional family system through shame and unprocessed generational trauma, how we can overcome it and end the cycles of abuse from being passed down to our own children.

 

Listen to part 2 here

 

You will also hear how, through the past 11 years of self development, educating myself, seeking help from professionals and healers (and certainly help from my 4 ayahuasca ceremonies, followed by a 3 month integration program), I found forgiveness to my father and empowerment to live life free of the assigned role I didn't ask for.

 

Part of my ability to come full circle with events is understanding how and why they took place, seeing things from higher spiritual perspective and then finding the courage to give voice to my inner child and teenager's experience, knowing I no longer have to carry the family burden (shame) by keeping it a secret.

 

My intention is you find solace in this episode and that through hearing my story, you better understand and can heal parts of your childhood or formative experiences growing up. My hope is you find the courage to transcend patterns and gift yourself a new life full of love, peace, joy and happiness, knowing you deserve it and always have.

Pictured above is Nevvy and I at our recent lake adventure and mini mommy-daughter holiday. We made smore's, played at the beach until evening, slept in a log cabin without running water or wifi (glamping style)! and even brought Suggy our dog ... we made memories that will last a lifetime, we made memories that matter.

 

Biggest hugs and blessings to you,

XO Christine



Resources to learn more about Family Scapegoat Abuse (FSA)

Being the scapegoat: How 2 children from the same parents can have drastically different realities - video

The ongoing injustice: the scapegoat's reality is denied, followed with smear campaigns - video

Mental health professional playlist on Family Scapegoat Abuse inside a narcissistic family - playlist

When the scapegoat breaks free from the abusive family - video

Beliefs held by scapegoats - playlist

Being the scapegoat: How 2 children from the same parents can have drastically different realities - video

Leading expert in Family Scapegoat Abuse - Youtube channel

Excellent book: Rejected, Shamed and Blamed

Expert in Dysfunctional and narcissistic family systems - Youtube channel

Why siblings enmesh with toxic parent, lash out or attack the scapegoat- video

Why no one believes the scapegoat - video

MY AYAHUASCA EXPERIENCE... THAT WAS LIFE ALTERING!

Today's blog is actually a share of the most recent podcast.

In this episode, I share the details of my 𝟏𝐬𝐭 𝐚𝐲𝐚𝐡𝐮𝐚𝐬𝐜𝐚 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 while in Costa Rica a few months ago.. which was was of the 𝐦𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝 & life altering experiences of my life (completely healed my PTSD and much more). It was so transformative, I am going back for my 40th bday in a couple of months!⁣

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This will be a 1 of 3 part series, as there is a lot to cover, including a spiritual brain surgery, entering different dimensions, seeing how the mechanics (law of vibration) of the Universe work, healing childhood wounds and morel! ⁣

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Click here to listen. I hope you enjoy!

MY PIVOT YEAR: BECOMING A PROFESSIONAL ASTROLOGER, HEALING PTSD & taking PLANT MEDICINE

 

My backstory with astrology....

If there is one thing I've had a consistent love affair with the last 11 years, it is astrology. I have been studying it with such an insatiable appetite and always suspected I would become an astrology but much later in life. 

 

I thought I would embark on this career path in perhaps my 60's! Ha, turns out life had another plan and I will be finishing up my professional certification in astrology by summer ... when I turn 40!

 

I have to admit, if there is something that really helped me get through these last few years (where I experienced my 2nd round of a spiritual awakening and dark night of the Soul), it was astrology.

 

You see, I found myself in a narcissistic relationship where I experienced emotional abuse, infidelity and many other difficult things. This person would reprimand me daily that I was "not good enough for him," causing me to self abandon all of my own needs in effort to gain approval and love. Every day I walked on eggshells, never knowing what would set him off and cause an explosion. This was my first romantic relationship with narcissistic abuse and so I missed the warning signs until I was in over my head & felt trapped.

 

As things escalated, I realized I was replaying the pattern from childhood, experiencing the same gaslighting, intolerance, shaming and put downs, as if I was child again self-abandoning my own needs for my parents. I tolerated about 1 and a half years of active abuse until I found the courage to leave and rebuild my life.

 

I naively thought I would get back to my old self and feel better upon leaving but, it was only then that I started my healing journey, which had many, many layers of the onion to get through. To my own surprise, I was diagnosed with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) as a side effect of being in that disorientating experience. It is like I had became a shell of the person I used to be, deeply contracted and genuinely scared to shine my light and use my voice ever again.

 

At times it felt like this difficult time of my life was never going to end, like I was going to stay stuck in a freeze/fawn state forever, where insomnia, nightmares and intrusive flashbacks were dominating my life.

 

I am bringing up my personal experience to paint a picture of just how helpful astrology ended up being for me because when you feel like things in a certain area of life are never going to change, it can be heart breaking and leave one feeling hopeless.

 

BUT! I came to understand and make sense of what had been going on in my life by studying my astrology charts. This included my natal chart (what position all the planets, asteroids and sun was in the moment of incarnation which explains general life themes one will encounter and primary areas of success or difficulties for growth & evolution of the Soul) and also my transits (where every planet, star and asteroid is moving now and what exact angles these placements all make with one another) and even secondary chart progressions.

 

I also came to see how, even within difficult times, nothing will stay the same forever - it just can't as what is taking place in our chart (which is always in motion and changing creating different angles and placements) will undoubtedly bring about newness to different sector of our lives.

 

This brought a sense of peace and also immense hopefulness for my future to me.  I realized that my PTSD (and other challenges I was facing) were not going to stay and would undoubtedly become a thing of my past. A chapter to teach me pivotal life lessons that I literally incarnated to learn to aid my evolution into my highest expression while on this earth plane.

 

Astrology is not a practice to blame other people, enable victimhood of ones circumstances or to make excuses as to why someone can't be, do or have something. I don't advocate "blaming" anything on the sky but using it as tool for education, to make the most of energies at play and to help one empower their lives in the direction they most desire.

 

In other words, support one move into a state of radical acceptance of events, relationships, childhood upbringing, etc. (due to understanding and connecting the dots so to speak) so that one can move forward with optimism for their future and increased confidence in their choices that will benefit their future.

 

Also, astrology is not simply your sun, ascendant or moon sign.. it is FAR more in depth than that and an extremely intricate system with every detail based in the exact precision of mathematics.

 

Speaking of which, our entire universe is an intricate and predictable system of mathematics which is why many believe it is a simulation, created with pre-determined parameters for us to play within (using the power of our thoughts, feelings & beliefs - both conscious and subconscious) to co-create our realities.

 

Anyways, the more I have learned about my own chart and transits, the more I have understood the series of events in my childhood and adult life. The more I have understood what is at play in my chart, the more empowered I have become to make wise decisions that are in alignment with the energies at play.

 

Also, the more I understand these profound astrological influences, the more peace I am able to make with events that have already unfolded, seeing how they actually make sense given the themes, energies and dynamics that were at play... aka pivotal soul lessons that were to be learned to assist my upward spiral (ascension) journey.

 

What I can say for sure, is I have never left an astrology reading without excitement and genuine optimism about my future and for that I am so grateful for coming across this ancient system. I am so eager to be able to be of service like this for others who would also benefit from this information, support and guidance.

 

That all said, I will be ready to offer this service to those interested by June 7, 2024!

 

 LINK TO MY SCHEDULE TO BOOK YOURSELF A SPOT

 

As part of the promotional launch of this new & exciting service, I will be offering 25% off for clients who book by July ($150 vs $200)!

 

After you book your time, i will email you shortly with a questionnaire to gather more details.

  

PS. I am over the moon excited and ever so grateful to share that I have fully healed from PTSD and no longer experience any of those unwanted symptoms. I have also come out of the freeze/fawn state and feel back to my true and authentic self! Do I think astrology "healed" my life? Nope! I do not.

  

However, I want to share is that when studying my chart (looking at what was going on in the sky the month of going to Costa Rica for healing) it was blatantly obvious that I had all the placements for overseas travelling, taking a spiritual voyage, healing childhood wounds and kickstarting an brand new chapter in my life.  I learned about these placements AFTER I took my journey! So which comes first? The chicken or the egg? I'll leave that one with you!! ;) 

   

The most pronounced thing that did make the most progress with healing my PTSD was psychedelics (specifically experiencing the healing plant medicine of ayahuasca during a week long retreat in Costa Rica).

 

After 4 nights of ayahuasca, I came home with complete healing of my PTSD symptoms. Not only did the PTSD resolve, but I also found forgiveness at a deep Soul level to everyone I had ever felt hurt or betrayed by... including parents, partners and forgiveness to myself (that I didn't realize was much needed!)

  

I will be sharing more about my experience with ayahuasca in upcoming videos on the new youtube channel and podcasts so stay tuned!

 

Lastly, thank you for reading all the way to the end :-)

 

Biggest hugs and blessings!
XO Christine

(pictured below is a group shot from the retreat)

  

ps. I quit social media last year and so if you'd like to stay connected, I invite you to join the brand new Upward Spiral Newsletter:) 

 

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